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03:09pm 09/08/2013
  WOW. HI! I've thought about you a lot in the past years. Wondering where you were. When talking about my past friends with new friends, you are always included in the stories. We really did have some crazy and fun adventures.

I swear I was just remembering a time when I had my little gay heart broken by two guys I knew. I was so sad on our walk and you ran though the park sprinklers in the park with me. It made me feel so much better if I'm remembering correctly.

I understand being hesitant to reconnect with past friends. I feel like a completely different person. I feel like someone who if ever came into contact with the past, would not even recognize or be able to relate to that part of my life. I'm so different now that it's almost like it wasn't me. I almost don't want to know how different I am for fear of making myself sick with myself.

I do sometimes fantasize about the past. I try to reconnect the feeling and memories, but everything is so blurry now. I'm probably getting it wrong.

I do remember loving you so much.

And it WOULD be great to reconnect. Even just to catch up.

Thanks for finding me.
10:29am 29/04/2013
  Major Depression: High
Dysthymia: Slight-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder: High
Cyclothymia: Very High
Seasonal Affective Disorder: High
Postpartum Depression: N/A
03:50pm 23/01/2013
  you make my fucking heart sad.

i want to drown myself in drink

make it ok to feel
06:44pm 22/01/2013
  and after all these years, relationships, and un-feelings:

i've become the one who's reaching out. trying to grab hold of someone who is not there

the feelings that previous had for me that were not mutual, i am searching for in someone who is who i was.

a dose of my own medicine.

one said once said "when it's your turn, it's gonna happen hard. watch out."

i feel it now.

or do i?
09:49pm 16/01/2013
  It’s that time again.

Weekly reevaluations due to blatant bad habits that are knowingly ignored with every predictable outing. Always a waste.
09:47pm 13/01/2013
  Through a camera lens, I fall
This boy kills me so softly and sweet
Some kind of lovely death
Over and over
I graciously accept.

habitual need for inconceivable affinity
Grows stonger
02:30am 09/01/2013
  Not too long ago
Was a day that I died.
I became a new person
Infected with new life.
A curse that I am burdened
to nurse and keep well
that leaves me alone
without being able to tell
some time ago   
10:27am 08/01/2013
  Those days.(maybe before college). Bus rides, and school trips. Those taco bell burritos they served. I think you liked the yellow ones. You always asked me to open your mustard packet. We shared a locker, and you wore my shirts. Stealing from Savers… I think you where with me. You got painted pretty. I used to think I was a writer, then photographer, then something else. We stalked pretty boys. Chuck T’s and trying to fish Mandy Moore out of some dumpster. Oh and the day I stopped wearing long-sleeved shirts. It sucks how good things end.  
03:27pm 02/01/2013
  I often have this un-scratchable sadness. I feel it from the pit of my stomach to the surface of my skin. It’s always so overwhelming. I adjust in my seat or crack my knuckles in hopes to relieve the stinging pain that is completely unshakable. My fits of random aggression are no aid to calm the sharp pressure that fills my fingers, arms, legs, head, heart and thoughts. Searching through the “things that make me sad” index in my head leads to no answers of what could be wrong. Because it’s not exactly sadness, if feels like it should be, but sadness doesn’t quite explain or fit this unsettling tension that obscures the amazing life that I get to have. So, what!!!? What!? What is it?  
03:03pm 07/09/2012
  i'm lost. i'm sruggling to find myself... again. i've never felt so foreign in my own skin, head and thoughts. it's srange to me how being creative, i can have a strong feeling toward something, but not know why. most times i can't even back up the reasons why i feel the way i do about something. am i just a big mess of false? of fake? have i just learned to say what i should and what people want to hear and what sounds good?

i speak and i stutter. that's my tell. how you know i don't really know.

how is that i, someone who was so certain about himself could creat this image of himself, brand himself, dress himself, distance himself from what he thought was not himslef and get himself involved with people who are so certain of who they are and what they want... can and feel completely lost.
It feels like withdraws   
02:29am 04/09/2006
  My head is asleep but my body isn't. Ive been lying for hours. My body feels so fucking anxious, and annoyed. Im so tired. i moved from the comfort of a bed to a dirty cold hard ground. I feel like Im going to go crazy. i have to move my arms every 2 seconds. i have to sit up every 4. i have no control. i want to cry. Im going to cry. i want sleep. Someone help. it's a familiar feeling. but it's not that.

Im not sure but i think this is what it feels like when you're going crazy. You have no control. Your body feels foreign. if you don't bite your lip hard enough you could start to cry for no reason.

i'm just going on and on and on and on.... to avoid going back in that room, cause i know it is going to be worse. If I try to go to sleep one more time something terrible is going to happen

"Hes lost control again"

Joy division
highway rock'n'roll disaster   
03:47pm 02/09/2006
  hot topic sucks, but i can listen to the faint while i'm working so it's not all bad. discount is good. theyhave nice jeans. skinny is in right? fuck me sick. i think i'm coming down with a really bad cold. i've had a head ache for three days now, and vicodin is starting to lose to me head.  
11:18am 14/08/2006
mood: bitchy
straighten my hair, and gimmie a line.

this day startied too early.

but it's a nice day for elcerto and drugs
starting up again   
08:12pm 11/08/2006
  fuck it's been awhile since i've been on this thing called "livejournal"

so much has happened yet it's all still the same...

moved around, got kicked out, been fucked over. a few times actually, switched cities, got fired from jobs, new drugs, new friends, old friends, more sex..., mother hates me. nothing new, hating myself, being more alone than ever before, nothing ever changes
despertly seeking... a life worth living   
06:03pm 21/08/2005
  same old shite same old shite same old shite

it's all the fucking same

my fucking days are fucking so routine and mechanical

my movements are controlled by machines in a big rusty warehouse in the middle of my brain

i need a meltdown.
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let's make you a runaway   
01:29am 01/07/2005
  what if i can't ever get out...

i'm stuck in a town of quick sand and i can't stop struggling

buried alive at the barrel of a gun

it's my kind of ending
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i've seen god   
01:45pm 16/05/2005
  Oh fuck me yes…

How long have I wanted to see the faint?

For too god damn long.

And who do they fucking play with? Bright Eyes.

Oh god. I was in fucking heaven for three whole hours.

In the fucking crowed by myself, the girl got sick… but I didn’t mind I had the time of my fucking life.

After the faint was over Conor was next but my head hurt too fucking much to keep standing.

Off to the side. but still able to hear the sound of a god in pain.

Fuck then I heard it…

The music…

I ran to the front as fast as I fucking could.

Fuck the tears welling up in my eyes.

Then the words…

I picked you out
Of a crowd to talk to you
Said I liked your shoes
You said thanks can I follow you?
So it's up the stairs
And out of view
No prying eyes
I poured some wine
I asked your name you asked the time
Now it's two o'clock,
the club is closed we're up the block
Your hands on me
Pressing hard against your jeans
Your tongue in my mouth
Trying to keep the words from coming out
You didn't care to know
Who else may have been you before

Fuck at this point… the tears where at my chin.

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a girl who's to sad to give a fuck
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet me here but I'm not sure
I got the money if you got the time
You said it feels good I said I'll give it a try
Then my mind went dark
We both forgot where your car was parked
Let's just take the train
I'll meet up with the band in the morning
Bad actors with bad habits
Some sad singers
They just play tragic
And the phone's ringing
And the van's leaving
Let's just keep touching
Let's just keep keep singing
I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where's the kid with the chemicals
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind
But you but you
You write such pretty words
But life's no story book
Love is an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
"Do you like to hurt?"
"I do! I do!"
"Then hurt me."

I’ve never seen his face… just pictures. When I went up to see him the lights turned on so bright I couldn’t see his face.

I think he really is my god…

Too beautiful to look at.
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02:16pm 28/04/2005








     Read 2 - Post
i'll never be   
12:51pm 26/04/2005
  Somehow, I don't know how exactly. But somehow every thing seems to just slip away. If I’m so happy with myself why am I so fucking stuck in my sick hole of madness and sadness?

I've found if I’m alone for too long, I sink deeper.

Fuck it takes just 5 minutes by myself for me to feel alone in the world. I can't even take a piss at a urinal with out feeling abandoned.

I had a dream I was driving and my van flipped over three times. The van had stopped upside down. I was in my seat hanging from the seatbelt. My neck was twisted and broken, thrust against the roof of the van. I was dead. Watching myself. Looking at my lifeless body. I think I felt okay...

I want that.

I want to be okay.

But I’m not.
in due time, i'll never be innocent   
03:03pm 16/03/2005
  my eyes are no longer wide... but for how long?
how long can i hold out.
i can finally sleep without aches
but can i keep it up?
i wasn't that way for too long
influence can be a bitch
i miss the rush
i hate the pain
fading away
almost transparent
Thinner, not just a movie
a reflection
Thinner, not just a movie
a reflection
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